Soul Notes: Blowing Hot and Cold, 14 and 19 September 2010
I’m so frustrated and angry and scared. Ginger Cat is again walking at a creep and with an arched back, meaning more intestinal inflammation and pain, and the diarrhea has increased. After two weeks of having my old girl back (she was even playing some with her mousies), she’s fallen back into discomfort. Her “I feel like I’m slipping away” statement some months ago is ringing in my ears. Having such a skinny bank account is hard enough when I am the only one to consider, but the guilt at not being able to provide veterinary care for my dear companion is pounding me today. Add the need to expunge bedbugs and the need to sell my car (and try to find another one) after spending five weeks looking for this one less than three months ago . . . Shall I just say, “Stress, thy name is Amy!”
In spite of lot of emotional discharge today, I’m still able to cry at the drop of a thought. “If the thought you’re having doesn’t feel good, then it isn’t,” says Lauren C. Gorgo, a spiritual writer I rely upon for changes of perspective. And so I work hard to come up with another thought in the midst of current realities. I finally take paper and pen and write to my High Self, “If you can get through to me, I’d appreciate anything you could say.”
As difficult as it is to do right now, loving yourself is important. Instead of seeing yourself as the failure you can sometimes feel that you are, see yourself through my eyes: You have given your all to every task you took on to do here before you came as Amy this time and in this body. And yes, there was a desire, heartfelt, I might add, to shed a lot of karma and to be of service by doing so. There has been much trial and difficulty, which you have endured with more grace than you realize.
It is not a failure to feel hopeless; it is no shame to be living with financial difficulty. You refuse to see yourself as “poor” (even though others might use the word about you). And it is definitely not “laziness” that keeps you from being able to do the sorts of things that once you could do to earn your living. Interesting phrase, “Earn one’s living.” No child of God must earn their living; their living is a gift. But I digress. As your body has carried the bulk of the karmic burden, your physical abilities have diminished, a source of grief for you. Yet your intellect and “HeartMind,” as you call it, have flourished, and your skills as a compassionate counselor and true teacher have come to the foreground.
You are fulfilling your goals for this lifetime. And while you don’t consciously recollect the totality of what they are and represent, I can tell you that your life and work are not yet completed (as much as you wish some days they were). You cannot yet know what the remaining blueprint will bring to you, but you can be certain that you will not exit this world believing yourself to be a failure; nor will you leave with your tasks unfinished. I only ask that you determine now, this moment, that you will accept that you are and have been a success at all you have done. With very little in the way of worldly resources, you became an artist, writer, musician, teacher, minister, and counselor. And as a Teacher of God you open the hearts of your students to themselves; in so doing, you give them permission to love who they are.
All I know right now is that I’m trying to hold up these four walls with smoke and mirrors and I can’t keep doing it without more help. I’m ashamed to say this when I do have a roof, a vehicle, and food in the refrigerator.
It isn’t that you don’t have a right to feel as you do. Permit yourself the full expression of the feeling and then you will move up and out of it. As a human, there are things that require your attention and that give you worry, make you angry, and cause you to feel afraid. Even so, you are “all right.” You fear Ginger’s food is killing her and you must, but cannot, save her; that you, too, are being eaten alive; and that your own body has turned against itself. If this were true (and I ask only as a teaching opportunity, a “reality check,” if you will), have you done all that you can with the resources you have available to you?
I don’t know what else, if anything, I can do. If there’s more, YOU should tell me. I’m drowning here! I need a lifeboat, not a discussion! It’s too hot! Where’s Fall? And my arm is hurting too much from writing. You’ve got one more minute to say something helpful and then I’m done! [Note: as I transcribe this a few days after it was written, I start to laugh at myself. Not in judgment, just from a distance.]
You cannot do anymore than you can do. So give yourself permission to really accept that you always do all that you can to the best of your ability at the time. And, if possible, trust that you are not as alone as you feel. Neither are you without help; it only seems that way at times, but it isn’t so. More than just I are here with you. Much goes on that you are not aware of, though you are having trouble believing that. You are loved, deeply loved, and all of your Circle of Timeless Ones are grateful to you.
YeahYeah. Thanks a lot.
19 September 2010
Circle of Timeless Ones, I do honor and appreciate you in spite of all the frustration and anger I have been feeling. I am open to hearing your words and able to do so with more gratitude this morning.
You are purging through the illness. You, who “never get colds,” called forth a cold to clear some of the physical effects of the stress. Some would say the cold “came on you” or that you “caught it.” Not so. Physical symptoms such as colds will help clear the body when nothing else seems to. When you heard the radio program last Monday about the “common cold,” learning of all the research by the woman interviewed, you were reminded of your lack of colds for so many years, even told yourself, rather proudly (and out loud), “I don’t get colds anymore.” At that moment, you did indeed open the door to a rather instant manifestation the next morning. Not as a cruel joke from the universe, but as a way of washing things out of you. Your burdens had become more than you could manage without some extraordinary (for you) measures, and a cold and cough were your “body wisdom” way of purging some of the toxins building up from excessive worry about Ginger, the automobile, lack of work, house pests, and lack of companionship.
Colds move in cycles and this one is in the near-to-end stage, albeit the most uncomfortable. You are right to rest more, drink more, and to have added “Clear Mountain Air” herbs to support your lungs. As you know, it is through the lungs that one receives Divine Inspiration, the “pure Qi of heaven,” a quality of the Metal Element. Metal’s season is Autumn, the emotion, grief. You have been feeling much grief about not only Ginger’s health, but many other things. Your body is doing some of the emotional clearing for you. Thank it for the task and, without fear, let the purging run its course. It is not dangerous. It is not like the hidden pneumonia of your childhood that went undiagnosed. In fact, the cold has given the opportunity to see the relative lack of fear you have about this illness, and seeing this has been a help to you, also.
Amy, in spite of the current circumstances, all is truly well. Since you cannot presently feel the reality of that, it seems to you just a “spiritual platitude” from who knows where. And yes, you are up against what seem to you to be tremendous odds. Human experience is fraught with difficulty. It is also filled with blessings if one is able to widen the lens of one’s seeing. As best you can at this time, look for the possible ways of widening your lens. Doing so will permit a new, fresh energy of freedom and abundance to flow more easily. And when you can, find and focus on the better thought. If what you’re thinking doesn’t feel good, find what does and water it till it grows and blooms. We remain with you.
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